So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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