Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
