if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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