I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
