...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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