discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
