He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
