Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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