remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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