Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
did i walk over a car last night?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
