Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
