textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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