You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
