Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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