Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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