happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
