When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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