Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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