Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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