Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
