I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
