woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
