Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i wish my penis had a tongue
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
