i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
