I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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