she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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