Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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