I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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