Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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