she was so not down for the gang bang
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
