I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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