why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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