I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
