Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
