You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
