M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
