Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
