Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
