I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
