Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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