It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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