Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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