My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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