"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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