my vag is so smooth its legendary
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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