I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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