she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
