New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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