i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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