batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
